This Isn't Right

[The Golden Boy]

The scene opens as we see Xander Youngston in a mirror adjusting a white tie, before making sure his hair is perfect. He turns around, with the camera panning out to reveal him in a beige suit, with a light blue shirt underneath his jacket. Xander picks up a pair of sunglasses with a light blue tint, and slides them on before exiting the room. Xander walks out to see his personal assistant Sarah standing in the hallway by the window dressed in a pair of tight jeans, and a gray t-shirt, apparently waiting for him.

http://i175.photobucket.com/albums/w149/PROfessional13/Sarah1.jpg

Xander Youngston
Well obviously something's up, so what do I got to do?

Sarah
Xander, your dad called just a few minutes ago, he had to leave for Japan.

Xander Youngston
What does he want me to do this time?

Sarah
Go to a charity auction and dinner with your stepmother

Xander Youngston
Damnit, these stupid charity things are getting real annoying.

Sarah
He said to get her something, and yourself something for the trouble

Xander Youngston
Why can't Jonathan do it?

Sarah
He went with your father.

Xander Youngston
Son of a bitch, what time is the damn thing?

Sarah
It's at eight, your stepmother will be ready at seven thirty.

Xander looks down at his watch, and just shakes his head.

Xander Youngston
Great it's almost seven already, there goes my entire fucking night. Well at least one of us should have a good time tonight, go out and do whatever you want sweetie.

Sarah
Well try to have fun tonight, it could be a lot worse.

Xander Youngston
Not much worse, you look great by the way.

Sarah
Thanks.

Xander gives Sarah a hug, and a quick kiss on the cheek, before leaving as she smiles, and watches him walk out the door.

*** 30 Minutes Later ***

The scene opens as a silver BMW M6 Convertible pulls up with "Sexy Can I" by Ray J playing. Xander Youngston turns the song down before powering his car off. Xander gets out with a sigh, before heading to the house. As he gets to the front door, it opens and his stepmother Rachel is waiting for him dressed in a tight form fitting black dress, as she gives him a smile.

http://i175.photobucket.com/albums/w149/PROfessional13/Rachel.jpg

Rachel
I was wondering when you were going to get here.

Xander Youngston
It's not even seven thirty yet, I'm freaking early.

Rachel
Whatever let's just go.

Xander Youngston
Fine.

Xander heads back out to his car, and goes around to his side as his stepmother just stands in front of the car door waiting on something.

Xander Youngston
You wanted to go, so let's go.

Rachel
You can't even open the door for me?

Xander just gets an annoyed look on his face, before he gets back out of the car, and opens the door for his stepmother, who slides into the passenger seat. Xander goes back sliding into his seat, and starting up the car. "Low" starts playing, and Xanders stepmother turns it up, which draws an odd look from him.

Rachel
What I love this song.

Xander Youngston
All right.

Xander just keeps driving, as his stepmother starts singing along, and he just shakes his head as the scene fades to black.

*** 3 Hours Later ***

The scene opens inside of a lavish hotel ball room, as we see hundreds of well dressed people mingling around, drinking, dancing, and having a good time. Rachel Youngston is out on the dance floor looking like she's had quite a few drinks, as her stepson Xander Youngston stands at the bar watching on, but then turns towards the bartender.

Bartender
What's it going to be?

Xander Youngston
Rum and coke.

The bartender goes to start making the drink, but Xander stops him.

Xander Youngston
Top shelf there buddy.

Bartender
You got it.

The Bartender goes to the top shelf, and pulls down a bottle that reads El Dorado 21, and makes Xander his drink. The Bartender slides Xander his drink, then receives a hundred dollar bill from Xander.

Xander Youngston
Keep the change.

Bartender
Thanks!

Xander takes his drink with the camera following him, as he continues to watch the dance floor, but then begins to speak.

Xander Youngston
See that back there Fire, that is an example of why I am better than you. Set aside the athleticism, the looks, the charisma, the wrestling ability, and anything else you want to throw out there, what sets me apart from you, is class. See Fire, I am simply superior to you, monetarily, and as such I know what it's like to have the finer things, I know what it's like to speak seven languages, I know what it's like to have the finest hand made suits, I know what it's like to be of a better standing.

Youngston takes a quick sip of his drink, appearing quite impressed by the skill of the bartender.

Xander Youngston
You on the other hand, know what it's like to constantly be beaten down, to have your body practically destroyed, and to still get nowhere. See Fire what everything in this world comes down to is class. You could have all the ability in the world, but because of who you are, I would always beat you. When I look at you, as with almost everyone else in the AWF, I'm reminded of the Chinese proverb that says "Great souls have wills; feeble ones have only wishes." See Fire, my Will is to destroy you, and rid AWF of people like you, your wish is simply to beat me. My will, my talents, and my class set me apart from the likes of you, and at vengeance I will prove that you are nothing more than just another peasant, who should be worshipping The Metro King.

Youngston continues to sip on his drink, as his stepmother comes off the dance floor, and heads towards him quite inebriated. She comes up hugging him, almost knocking his drink out of his hand.

Rachel
Xander come on out to the dance floor,

Xander Youngston
Actually Rachel it's time to leave, the auction is about to wrap up.

Rachel
But I didn't even get anything.

Xander Youngston
It's fine, you won a 10 day cruise for you and dad, and I got a 1955 Austin Healey.

Rachel
Whatever.

Rachel wraps an arm around Xander as she almost falls over, and he just shakes his head at her. Xander puts her arm around his neck walking her out of the ball room. They head straight out to the valet, and he gives him the ticket. Rachel is clearly wasted, as she can barely stand, and pretty much hangs all over Xander. The valet pulls up in almost no time, and opens the doors for both Xander and Rachel. Xander slips the kid a hundred, before he heads off. The car accelerates out of the lot quickly, and in no time they're on the way home.

Rachel
Xander, I'm still hot right?

Xander Youngston
WHAT?

Xander is clearly thrown off by the question as he just looks over at his stepmother.

Rachel
I'm serious, your dad like won't even try anything with me anymore.

Xander Youngston
Rachel, that's not really something I want to know about.

Rachel
You don't like me do you Xander.

Xander Youngston
Rachel you're drunk, and this really isn't something I want to talk about.

Rachel
You think I'm a gold digger don't you.

Xander Youngston
No I don't.

Rachel
Yes you do, don't fucking lie to me.

Xander Youngston
Fine then, I do. Now can we just drop this.

Rachel
Well I'm not, I love your dad, but he won't even try to kiss me anymore. I seriously want to know if I'm still hot. Do you think I'm attractive?

Xander just kind of sighs, almost closing his eyes, but stays focused on the road.

Xander Youngston
Yes Rachel, you're attractive. I don't know why my dad isn't doing anything, but that's really between the two of you.

Rachel
Would you fuck me?

Xander is just completely floored at this point as his eyes go wide.

Xander Youngston
JESUS CHRIST, I'm your damn stepson, you can't ask me that question.

Rachel
I'm serious, if I wasn't your step mom, would you try to pick me up like those little bitches at the club?

Xander Youngston
Rachel seriously, this isn't really an appropriate conversation. We're almost at the house so let's just get you inside.

Xander pulls his car into the driveway, parking right in front of the house. He flips the top back up, and then gets out of the car. He actually opens the door for his step mom this time, and she stumbles out of the car, but he catches her. She actually jumps up, and Xander has to catch her so she doesn't hit the ground.

Rachel
Can you just carry me upstairs.

Xander Youngston
Sure.

Xander heads inside, pulling out his keys to open the door, as Geoffrey is already asleep for the night. Xander walks in, and heads right up the stairs as his step mom wraps her arms around his neck, making him extremely uncomfortable. He finally gets to the master bedroom, and heads inside. Xander goes to lay her down on the bed, but she keeps her arms wrapped around his neck, and ends up pulling him down on top of her. She doesn't release her grip, and pulls him closer, as she starts to kiss him. Xander is able to break the grip she has on his neck, and jumps up from the bed.

Xander Youngston
Whoa, you're drunk, and that isn’t going to happen.

Rachel
Are you sure.

Rachel then lowers her dress a little bit, and crawls towards Xander. Xander stays in the room, as she comes closer to him, now with her dress pretty much off. She stands up in front of Xander, and drops her dress the rest of the way, and is now standing in front of him, in nothing but a black bra and thong.

Xander Youngston
This isn't right, your my step mom.

Rachel
So.

Xander Youngston
Good point.

Xander then throws off his jacket, and tie, as he starts making out with her, and she begins to undo his shirt, as we fade to black.

[RyanD]

No pictures!

No center alignment!

Points for not using color.

I wanted to give you feedback, but center aligned text makes the baby jesus cry.

[Justin]

Okay, reading this reminded me of about seventeen people I've recently wanted to punch in the brain. This is good, you can get easy heel heat that way. However, what's the point in describing someone then showing me a pic? Nevermind that noise, just describe them, I have an imagination, I promise.

And when did this board start having a center function? Lose that too, you'll go further.

[Zortalk]

Wow, I haven't done one of these in awhile. It was an amusing read but you do have some problem areas. I won't go into spelling, grammar and mechanics because hey I purposely (sometimes its just habit) Capitalize random words, go on long winded run-on sentences and spell words wrong frequently.

The first issue is not with the pictures, but with the describing of the camera movement and the usage of the audience "we."Let's take a look at eliminating those superfluous words and phrases. Underline words are what I added to make the description make sense. I'll bold words that seem awkward as well

Xander Youngston looks ahead in a mirror adjusting a white tie, before making sure his hair is perfect. He turns around to reveal him in a beige suit, with a light blue shirt underneath his jacket. Xander picks up a pair of sunglasses with a light blue tint and slides them on before exiting the room. Xander walks out to see his personal assistant Sarah standing in the hallway by the window dressed in a pair of tight jeans, and a gray t-shirt, apparently waiting for him.

I lied about the grammar and mechanics, your verb/noun tense don't agree alot of the time. Can one of the Grammar Nazis give me the correct term for this? I believe it's because of the switch between we, you, him and he. Either way it comes across as a bit awkward.

As already pointed out: The pictures, we have imagination and it would better help with the flow of the read. Never mind the "formatting" issue, if you can have the read flow, then I've got no problems with pictures to "aid" in the description, the only problem is, I don't believe you can format pictures on the boards to do the same thing on websites. Even then, I wouldn't recommend it with such a large picture.

Your conversation is pretty good, however given the situation, I would have wanted a bit more angst, resentment and annoyance to shine through in the part of Xander. Not only does he have to go to some crappy charity auction but he has to bring his step-mother. So what if he gets to buy something for himself for the job well done, it's not worth it. The annoyance factor with the step-mother does it for me, as she's both disrespectful, arrogant and take control of the situation.

Your trash talk in this promo was fairly weak if you ask me. I get what you were saying, what you were trying to do, but overall it's not awfully effective. Besides relying on the "See Fire" phrase to start an insult, the analogy of class is just absolutely lost on me. Rum and Coke is classy? No. El Dorado 21 and coke is classy? You've got to try harder than that. Maybe if Xander ordered it on the rocks with out the coke, I'd give him a few class points for it, but, rum and coke.... nah.

The dialogue between Xander and Rachel at the end was awkward, but this time, it was effective as Rachel is a drunk gold digger and Xander just wants to bag Sarah.

Personally, I'd work on more description and better trash talk, your conversation is pretty decent and will get better along with the other two.

[Paul]

This might just be a style preference, but I like to see much more description than what you've given. That whole conversation between Xander and Sarah, for instance, read like two people engaged in an AIM chat.

sexyboy2night: whats up?
prettygirlfriend: not much. u going to the party?
sexyboy2night: yah. i dont want to tho.
prettygirlfriend: pfft! you gotta.

What I'm getting at, is Xander's supposed to be off-put about going to this function with his stepmother, yet you didn't give us a single line detailing this. Maybe that's the style you're going for, where it's entirely dialogue driven. But if that's the case, the dialogue has to do a lot better job of describing the emotions of the characters, since there's no descriptives to do that job.