PDA

View Full Version : Mind Games Pt. 1


Adrien Cochrane
06-15-2008, 01:01 AM
Location: New Orleans, Louisiana
Date and Time: 3:00 PM, June 12, 2008

“I just don’t understand the concept of it…”

[Adrien Cochrane shakes his head as he tries to comprehend what is being said to him. He reaches into his jeans pocket with his left hand as he holds his cell phone with his right hand. He pulls out his house keys.]

Adrien: No, I’m just saying, the whole idea of veganism just seems pointless to me. Animals are carnivores, so humans can’t be too? Think about it this way, the o-zone layer is being depleted by greenhouse gases. Greenhouse gases are produced by all living things. By eating a steak or a hamburger, I am helping eliminate one producer of greenhouse gases.

[Adrien opens his front door.]

Adrien: What do you mean you don’t buy that? Whatever, dude. I’m home now; I’ll talk to you later. Bye.

[Adrien closes his cell phone and stuff it in his right pocket. He walks into his living room, where he tosses his keys onto his end table. He walks into his kitchen where he sees a note on the refrigerator.]

Adrien: What the hell? Was someone in my house?

[Adrien grabs the note and reads it aloud.]

“Hello, Adrien Cochrane. You know, I have been watching you. Your two careers are at their peaks; your life seems to being going great. There is just one little problem: You have been taking it for granted. You smile at your big house on your ten acre estate. You look your band’s little albums indie success and grin. You think about how you are the captain of the AWA’s Summer Games team, and you think that it all just happened…that it all just fell on your lap. Just remember Adrien, good luck runs out. I left you a little present in your fridge…Enjoy!”

[Adrien opens the refrigerator and looks inside. His eyes widen as he falls backwards. He begins to run in panic, thinks about his house, and then runs back to the refrigerator. He grabs a case of Barq’s Root Beer that has a bomb strapped to it and rushes outside with it. He quickly throws it into the field. He knocks down a picnic table, crouches behind, and covers his ears…]

[Nothing]

[Adrien pokes his head over the table to look at the bomb…still making beep sounds. He lowers his head back behind the table. He reaches in his right pocket for his cell phone. He starts to dial a number in a panicked manner. He puts the phone by his ear.]

Adrien: GET OVER HERE!!! NOW!!

-----------------------------------
Ten minutes later

“Adrien, are you sure what you saw was a bomb?”

[Adrien, still crouching behind the picnic table, nods his head.]

Adrien: Yes, Michael…I’m sure it was a bomb!

[The man addressed as Michael shakes his head.]

Michael: Right…

Adrien: Michael, trust me…it was a bomb. It had wires and C4s and was making beeping sounds…is that good enough for you?!

[Michael continues to shake his head.]

Adrien: You don’t believe that it was a bomb?!

Michael: Listen…Adrien…I know that your pride wants to say you have 20/20 vision, but I seriously think that you need glasses. Quite being so prideful and face the facts.

[Adrien is now the one shaking his head.]

Adrien: Michael…that truck across the field and across the street’s license plate number is F-L-3-5-B-7…I know it was a bomb. Someone is trying to fucking kill me!

Michael: Dude, if it was a bomb it would have…

[BOOM~!]

[Debris flies from the bomb, which was a big enough explosion to destroy part of a nearby fence (parts of it started flying towards the two. Michael was able to duck quick enough to avoid injury. Adrien peaked between the two wooden planks to see when it was safe to get back up. After a few moments, Adrien stands up, followed by Michael. He looks over at his friend.]

Adrien: I’m so sorry, you were saying?

Jeff
07-02-2008, 02:13 AM
I'm a bit busy/tired/burned out/lazy to give creative feedback, but I noticed something technical.That last paragraph was awkward somehow - very choppy, no flow, sort of took the reader out of the action. Try something like this.

[The explosion rips a whole in a nearby fence, sending debris flying through the air, some of it towards the two. Michael was able to duck quick enough to avoid injury. Adrien, still behind the overturned table, peeked between the two wooden planks to see when it was safe to get back up. After the debris settled, Adrien stands up, followed by Michael. Adrien looks over at his friend.]

This is the kind of thing you have to watch out for. In general, a good flowing sentence doesn't have too many markups inside it. No parentheses, no dashes, no three-period things in the description (and be sure to use them sparingly in dialogue).

You've got some other paragraphs and sentences in there that could use some cleanup, but that final one was the only blatant offender.

RyanD
07-02-2008, 08:54 AM
Also, you can rip a hole, but ripping a whole is harder.

Jeff
07-02-2008, 11:05 AM
yeah, I wrote that at what, 4 am? I was tired.